february 2026 - “how’s sylvia?”
she has a trail behind her home.
her neighbor across the lawn is an 80 something year old woman who feeds the birds every day without missing a beat, bringing blue jays, cardinals, sparrows, squirrels, rabbits into her daily view.
she seems busy adjusting still.
apparently now you need a medical reason to get monthly OTC (over the counter) benefits so she’s finding a physician to sign it off for her. she’s had DCIS (stage 0 breast cancer) for the last 10 years, and had breast cancer 25 years ago. but she’s only getting mammos for the financial benefit, not because she cares about the results. which is very valid, and so sylvia.
she found a hospital nearby and she hated it. staff booked the wrong appointment type and they were inconsistent and unkind in communications. she regretted going there, but she stuck with it.
then she asked herself, who do i stick with things i don’t like? put myself through trouble when i don’t need to?
she told me that in korean, there's no word for “well,” or “on a second thought.” when she came to america 40 years ago, she was amazed and envious by the ease at which americans used these phrases, to think as they spoke and delay decision-making. the power to change your mind! her mind was blown.
she said, in korean conversation, you have to say something fast, even if it's wrong, and deal with the consequences.
then she said, that's how it was with your dad. a few months into dating when they got engaged, she cried. although she could see how he was not a good man, and they weren’t compatible, she felt it was too late to call things off.
she had no choice, but to keep the appointment for whatever the benefits were supposed to be.
i think about the fact that she married someone she kind of hated. i wonder if a part of her didn't really want to have me, i was the second after all, 10 years after the first.
yet, she often calls me a gift. an angel God sent to love her.
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our last few years living together haven’t felt so angelic and divine. but i know we've gotten stronger. and our love will never die.
it's hard, not coming home to her grounding wisdom about the big picture in life and what really matters. knowing i'm loved. and feeling that. in her food. her cleaning. our long discussions over movies and theology and faith. her hugs good night. our weird gestures we would do to greet each other in the morning, shuffling across the hall and gently butting our heads in silence as if we were penguins.
but it was also getting harder to talk. our korean & american cultural misunderstandings, our intergenerational clashes in language have clawed at my heart more and more, the open wounds inflaming more frequently, making it harder to heal, for both of us.
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“so how's it going, erin? how's your mom?”
it’s good!!!
well,
on the second thought,
it goes.
we carry on, basking in the mystery of what it means to be a gift in this life.